Note # 17

Dear one, 

I tried three pieces of paper and nearly cried a few times trying to think of what to say. It is very easy here in this pretty little shop, across from a restaurant with people strolling by all dusted with snow. This is one of the easy moments. And so I could say, "it will be alright one day." I could tell you that one day the clouds will break for good, that you will be healed. I could tell you that the person you were made in the moment they whoever "they" is to you - that person you became in that moment will be bright and shiny again like a new penny. 

But I do not believe that. You are someone new now. 

You are someone new now. Someone who knows very intimately the wort things that can happen to a person and still here you are. You scared, holy, beautiful thing. The worst came for you. The monsters of the human heart came and tried to defeat you, they tried to make you small -- and whatever may have happened up until now, however many times you stumbled and may stumble still -- you are here. You are here. 

I know the silences in your heart when you remember, and when you try not to remember. I know what it sounds like when your tired heart whispers, "maybe I deserved this" when it wonders if the darkness has won. And so I know how loud all the sounds inside are when they refute well-meaning reassurances. 

You are changed. You carry with you now and always something larger and unfair. And sometimes it will feel like it is all you can do not to be crushed by it. So I won't say the things that are easy to say in pretty little bookstores in the daylight, when my heart is quite. I will tell you what I want to hear when I am alone and tired and boiling with rage in the dark -- rage at myself and at him. It is this

Somewhere in a room very much like the one you are in feeling things much like what you are feeling, I sit. Just as scared. Just as unsure, just as lost. And I am not giving up. Not because I am stronger or smarter or richer or less alone. I am not giving up because of you because one snowy Valentines Day, I sat in a pretty book store, and I promised you I would not. 

Let's kick all the monsters asses. The people who do this? They do it for control, because they are afraid. They took from us because they could not give. We will defeat them, by living. By letting our darkness live beside our light, by saying it out loud and letting the others who feel like we do know that it is possible. 

- rb